WASHINGTON – Panic gripped the nation this week as President Barack Obama, acting as Commander-in-Chief, declared war on international terror organization Wal-Mart without congressional approval.

Last Wednesday, the U.S. Air Force bombarded 24-hour Wal-Mart Superstores around America with precision-guided munitions. Luckily, there were no human deaths reported, but there were aliens on shift and trash in the aisles.

Four platoons of highly trained marines also descended upon Wal-Mart’s Bentonville, Arkansas, headquarters and engaged in a violent firefight with Wal-Mart’s most wanted executives.

Chief-of-Staff of the United States Army, George W. Casey, told the Associated Press that containing the bloodlust of Wal-Mart’s top-paid businessmen was a big challenge for the disciplined and experienced marines, who had just come back from Iraq.

“Considering their white collars, the elite shareholders and their assistants utilized very unpredictable guerrilla tactics and battled with ferocious zeal,” Casey recounted in an exclusive interview. “Rumour had spread amongst the militant bosses that they would get no severance package, should they have lost the gunfight, so they just kept their ground. No surrender.”

What’s worse, Wal-Mart’s soldiers fight fearlessly, with no concern for their well-being, because they are offered no health-care benefits or pension plan.

New Jersey Wal-Mart superstore daytime manager, Simon Gold, is purported to be heard on a newly released audio tape in which he proclaims he is the rightful leader of Wal-Mart now that CEO Mike Duke has been killed. On the tape, Gold calls for the destruction of America and warns of future attacks upon the American economy. The tape is still undergoing analysis at the Department of Homeland Security.

S. Robson Walton, Chairman of the Board and son of Wal-Mart’s spiritual leader, Sam Walton, was shot and captured by the National Guard yesterday morning after a prolonged gunfight. Walton, along with a team of secretaries, assistants, and other non-unionized insurgents, opened fire inside a Costco®, lobbed grenades at police cars and fired wire-guided rocket launchers at ambulances.

Osama Bin Laden appeared in a videotape released to Al-Jazeera in which he said that Al-Qaeda supported Wal-Mart’s war against America, boasting that eventually the Taliban and Wal-Mart will govern the world in harmony.

“I once prophesized that there would one day be low prices, everyday, but the American devils wish to make liars out of our people! Death to America!” Bin Laden said.

President Obama stressed the risks of allowing Wal-Mart further time to mobilize in a prime-time press conference.

“We have intelligence that, uhhhh, proves that Wal-Mart wishes to develop, uh, nuclear weapons,” said President Obama, “and that they will sell the technology for rock bottom prices.”