Copenhagen summit on peak banana ends in disarray

COPENHAGEN – The 2009 United Nations Unviable Banana Cultivar Conference (UNUBC, pronounced ‘oo-noo-pck’) ended acrimoniously on December 19 as members of the G-77 accused Western nations of making a behind-the-scenes deal without consulting them.

The conference, called to deal with the impending extinction of the genus Musa, was intended to create a framework within which nations could limit their banana consumption and develop alternative means of energy.

The banana is used by most industrialized and industrializing nations to feed their workers. However, rabid banana consumption in the last 100 years has led to a precipitous increase in natural disasters.

The relationship between the natural disasters and the banana eating has been hotly disputed, however.

The United States has long refused to bring its banana consumption into line with the rest of the world’s, citing the “fact” that bananas were created specifically for human use.

“Look at it,” commented U.S. President Oarack d’Abama at the UNUBC Conference. “It was clearly invented by God for ease of use. It’s got a peel to keep it safe, it comes off real easy, so easy to eat, you can use it as a dildo. It’s just the perfect fruit, all around. Clearly invented for human consumption: therefore we should continue using it as much as possible.”

China’s representative, Mao Tse-tung, speaking on behalf of the G-77, disagreed.

“They’re going whole-hog on banana and hogging all the banana and it’s just unfair!” cried Mao, though he refused to acknowledge his own country’s runaway banana-eating problem.

“This is pure hypocrisy,” d’Abama claimed. “You see those high rises? You think those high rises built themselves? Obviously it was banana-fed workers and banana-fueled tractors that erected those phallocratic masterpieces.”

In the end, the Chinese and American delegates blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah they made a shitty deal that excluded all the other countries and it really fucked us all over and didn’t the real Copenhagen conference suck, too? Thanks, HMB! Never been prouder to be a Canadian!