NJ gets stoned, stonewalls gays

In a shockingly ethical and logical succession of decisions, the New Jersey legislature sagely approved usage of medical marijuana (48-14 in the Assembly and 25-13 in the Senate) and wisely rejected the legalization of equal marriage (14-20 in the Senate).

The state is the second American state in the last 12 months to protect the family from fabulousness and make ganja available to its bummed-out citizens – either by making it legal for certain medical patients or by decriminalizing the drug.

The votes follow the precedent set by California, where equal marriage is specifically banned by a voter-approved constitutional amendment and where marijuana is both decriminalized and legal for patients.

“I, for one, am proud of our legislators,” said Joanna Kowalski, a resident of New Jersey. “Thank God they had the cojones to stand up to the gay mafia, who are raping our children’s minds.”

Her neighbour, Koko McDonald, agreed.

“Gay rights, schmay rights. What we need is some dank chronic.

“Need some sticky-icky up in this joint,” she added, before requesting that this reporter stop hassling her. “You’re harshing my mellow.”

And now the legislature is delivering. Toke away, Ms. McDonald!

Anyway, in other news, major GLBT rights groups across North America convened in Provincetown this weekend to unveil this year’s Gay Agenda, which analysts predicted would be enormous, given the waves of setbacks equal marriage has faced in recent years.

Those analysts were right: the twenty-foot-by-twenty-foot, rainbow-rhinestone-covered day planner was filled with rendez-vous aimed at corrupting youth.

“Our overriding goal is obviously to destroy the family,” said Gay Agenda coordinator Johnathon Doppelmann. “We think a weak point is the children. What these lawmakers and voters don’t understand is that once the kids are stoned, they’ll be so much easier to seduce.”

Straight Agenda coordinators could not be reached for comment. They were too busy attempting to repeal human rights for queer people where they exist and preemptively ban them where no laws exist.