At least 2,000 students are dead and hundreds more are in a critical condition after eating burgers and hotdogs provided by the McGill administration at last Thursday’s free barbecue.
The barbecue, ostensibly laid on by the administration to improve school spirit and foster open dialogue between students and administrators, was in fact a last-ditch attempt at budgetary management, following news that the Parti Québécois was stopping the planned tuition hike. Having tried flying the McGill flag at half-mast for a week, the administration decided that killing off a substantial part of the student body was the only way they could get to grips with the budget.
“We were sinking money left, right, and centre into students,” PR Mascot Sweetie Boy-Sweet told The Twice-a-Weekly. “Teaching, books, food, walls, roofs, you name it students wanted it; we needed a way to quickly stop a huge chunk of our money from being spent.”
After trying and failing to exclude dozens of “the S.C.U.M.” earlier in the year, Boy-Sweet said that the administration was forced to turn to “actually just murder” in order to get control of the receipts.
“I mean, we’d tried to get rid of a bunch of the students before,” said Boy-Sweet, “but ‘procedure’ and ‘democratic norms’ meant things weren’t moving at the pace we wanted. We needed to speed things up, and quickly .”
According to Boy-Sweet, plans for the slaughter had been in development for several months, after focus-groups revealed students wouldn’t just walk to their deaths.
“To be honest that was a little surprising,” said Manthony Massi, Vice-Bulldog of Union-Busting, “I mean, we’ve not exactly been trying to make them feel wanted around here, we thought the never-ending icy-cold black nothingness of the deep netherworld would be a relief after the prices in the Redpath Cafe, but, no, they wouldn’t just allow themselves to be killed.”
“We had in mind a giant death pit that eats you up like in those Star Wars movies or even just like putting asbestos in all the buildings, [but] the students were too switched on for that, we needed something creative. It was actually Heatha [Mama-Boom] who came up with the barbecue idea.”
Mama-Boom, the Baroness of The Capitalist Church of James, has long made her distaste for students known, and told Massi that she was “fucking desperate to spend money polishing the Redpath Library underpass with caviar or crude oil.”
HMB’s idea was beautiful in its simplicity. Students were invited to join the Baroness for a free burger, except the burger was filled with arsenic. So if you ate it you died. The students who died had eaten the burgers. The students who survived ate some of a burger.
“To be honest she [Mama-Boom] was actually quite vicious about the whole thing,” said Massi. “Every time someone mentioned the barbecue she began gnashing her teeth and gulping back litres of excess saliva. I also distinctly heard her muttering the phrase ‘stinking mudbloods’ several times in her sleep.”
“We actually tried to dissuade her from killing so many,” said Boy-Sweet, “we said, ‘hey Heatha, maybe just like a dozen, even a baker’s dozen, a show of strength, y’know: they see you in charge, they know who’s boss, they won’t question you.’ That’s what we said. ‘A show of strength, just a show of strength’ we said. But she was adamant that ‘the debt of the forsaken must be paid in blood.’ She was adamant about that. It was the blood of the dead or nothing. And if you looked at the books you’d know that nothing wasn’t an option.”
Survivors of the HMBBQ have been advised to run. Run away, and never return.
This was found amongst the scrapbooks of Euan EK after the thought police killed him.