Public announcement of Department of Occult Sciences
In an effort to remind students of their insignificance in the larger scheme of intergalactic existence, Principal and Vice-Baroness Suzie Forte announced today that McGall would create a new major in Occult Sciences. The University will add this major as an option for all undergraduate students beginning fall 2014.
According to Warren Rice, a former professor of classical languages at Arkham’s Miskatonic University and the head of McGall’s new Occult Sciences department, the program will focus on preparing students to “cope with the inconsequentiality of humanity.”
“We live in a vast and incomprehensible universe,” said Rice. “How can we expect students to cope with the knowledge their lives are devoid of any meaning and that they are mere amoebas compared to the magnificent horror of the Outer Gods?”
Students enrolled in the program are expected to learn R’lyehian, the language of Cthulhu, in order to “please the Great Old Ones.”
“We start with the most common phrases, namely ‘Ph’nglui mglw’nafh C’thulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn’ and then go to the more complicated aspects of the language, like saying ‘Hi’ or ‘Thank you,’” Rice said. “Unfortunately, R’lyehian has a lot of words for ‘slumber,’ ‘horror’ or ‘I am losing my mind,’ but nothing that’s really useful for a normal conversation.” Rice remarked that the language component of the major would be “comparable” to learning Ancient Greek, in that it would serve no purpose other than translating “ancient and/or heretofore unknowable verses,” and “boring your friends at parties.”
Rice will be hosting a luncheon on Wednesday where he will be reading selected passages from the Necronomicon, and facilitating a networking event for new department members. A lamb will be slaughtered for the event.
—Benadryl Custardbatch
Minor in Serious Heterosexual Men swiftly approved
McGall’s Department of Anglophilia announced, through an email sent to all undergraduate students in the Faculty of Farts, that a new minor has been green-lit. The Serious Heterosexual Men minor will be available for selection simultaneously with the major in Occult Sciences, in fall 2014.
McGall has come under fire recently for its lack of coverage of serious heterosexual male writers, in comparison to a main competitor, the University of T-Dot (U of T). The U of T made headlines last week as one lecturer, Dirk Glibbymore, was showered with accolades for his intensely serious, heterosexual coverage of only the most serious and most heterosexual writers.
An interview with Glibbymore, published in The Blob and Snail, went viral online and was met with widespread praise due to his sharp wit and uncompromising diligence in presenting students with only the best literature, written solely by “real guy-guys.” He explained that he was only capable of lecturing on “people that [he] truly, truly love[d]. Unfortunately, none of those happen to be Chinese, or women.”
Glibbymore’s overnight stardom online led to several follow-up interviews, in which he elaborated on his stances. “People know what they’re signing up for. Serious heterosexual men, taught by a serious heterosexual man. That’s all.” Glibbymore was, however, quick to note that he “very open-mindedly” teaches the works of Truman Capote, notable for being serious, but not terribly heterosexual. At the time of printing, there is no word yet as to whether Capote was Chinese, or a woman.
McGall has been accused by professors in the U of T’s Department of Words of simply attempting to “cover its ass” in light of the attention drawn to Glibbymore’s enlightened syllabi. In response to these comments, the Department of Anglophilia officially maintained that the minor was long in the works, and was simply delayed in the approval process until now.
McGall’s Dean of Farts, Christopa P. Manfreddo, spoke briefly with The Weekly over the phone. “McGall’s been in the game of serious heterosexual men longer than you even know,” he said. “T-Dot thinks they can teach real guy-guys better than us? Our guy-guys are top fucking notch. I say bring it on.”
—E.k. EK