Students arriving this week at McGall University were surprised to see McTavish Street almost completely blocked off by construction except for small corridors on the side for pedestrian usage. Most students have found the corridors constricting, all-too-conducive to awkward run-ins with first-year acquaintances, and somewhat Orwellian. McGall sent out a “Sup, Dawgz/Ça Va, Chienz?!” email to reassure students that this was all part of the plan.
The email, sent around 9:30 a.m., announced a partnership between the city of Montreal and the University in the first step of McGall’s Protocol to Limit Student Mobility, Accessibility, Ease, and Humanity. The email reads, “When the city told us that they could make something nearly as inconvenient as the Annual McTavish Flood, but stretch it out over an interminable amount of time, we had to jump on it. Especially if it coincided with the first week of school. In fact, the walking corridors on each side of the street have been in our plans for quite some time!”
The email went on to outline the rest of the steps that would take place under the new Protocol, helpfully abbreviated as PLSMAEH. “PLSMAEH is only entering its first stage,” the email continued. “Phase Two will implement walking corridors throughout campus, each with two lanes. We know that this will bring the university together as we will all walk the same path! Along these paths, our friendly corporate sponsors have opened shops and restaurants for you to enjoy!” Under the new plan, students will be able to move between classes on these paths only. Lower Field has been divided into thirty two separate cubicles, such that students can have Leisure Time (Brought to You by Subway) for around thirty minutes a day. The email adds that “students will still be able to enjoy the Outdoor Air Pub in our new MOLSON OUTDOOR PARTY TENT, too!”
Phase Three is frankly fucking terrifying: “Once all have returned from winter vacation for the first day of second semester, the exits will be sealed. McGall will become its own independent state, with tuition rising to competitive rates of $60,000 per year, plus a mandatory $25,000 room/board/food stipend; if your family ever wants to see you again, they’ll pay. Students may be able to leave once they have completed McGall-sanctioned research.” Early reports indicate that this research will be for-profit and in service of military technology companies, asbestos mines, and the tobacco industry. McGall also announced the purchase of forty new armoured tanks in order to fully enforce PLSMAEH.
Student reaction to the email has been muted, as not one person has ever read a “Sup, Dawgz?/Ça Va, Chienz?” email before this intrepid reporter. The email ends ominously with these words: “Say goodbye to your families. Fuck budget cuts, fuck protesters, fuck student radicals. You belong to us now. The Glorious Republic of McGall (Sponsored by Bell) forever. Please join us for a barbecue Friday.”