Aquarius
You value your independent thought and individualism, plus your solar and lunar trajectories are super fly together this month. It’s time for a dynamic shake-up. So ask yourself this— are you looking after your money, or is it looking after you?
Pisces
Rigid by Piscean nature, you decide that the only way to make sure there isn’t a living creature inside your shower head is to take it apart. Now. You apply this methodology to all household items with gaps, holes or cracks in them.
Aries
Your sister becomes a keeper for Real Madrid. Within a week, people somehow adapting the movie ‘My Sister’s Keeper’ into a witty pun frustrate you so much that you stage a public display of rage, which goes viral and earns you a further lifetime of torment. Classic Aries move.
Taurus
You go to a traffic light party dressed as a fully working traffic light, keeping your green bulb glaring in a desperate appeal for love. Walking home with a mate you have lured, you also attract a speeding car, which crushes them. As your heart breaks, your hopeful green light goes out, leaving you to stumble home in the darkness.
Gemini
As Venus passes Mars in the hallway in a huge, sexually-tense warp of the universe this week, you find that you are incapable of sitting on a public bus without intensely erotic thoughts occupying your mind. Stay strong – this too shall pass.
Cancer
In an attempt to appear more important, you paint helicopter pad markings on the roof of your building and pretend to be expecting Russian business associates. It is very awkward when they actually arrive.
Leo
You value your independent thought and individualism, plus your solar and lunar trajectories are super fly together this month. It’s time for a dynamic shake-up. So ask yourself this – are you watching your weight, or is it watching you?
Virgo
Your reflective and considerate nature paves a bright path. This month, you find out what chemtrails actually are. It turns out to be worthwhile, so you keep the secret. Humankind is so easily intimidated by strange shapes in the sky…
Libra
Every dream you have this week includes you opportunistically purchasing a loofah. You decide that this item must be a Freudian phallic symbol, although such intense deadness and dryness is concerning. Joy may be found in open spaces this month. Your imminent self-implosion will give you enough energy to propel you towards temporary success. Enjoy!
Scorpio
Very soon, the revenge of absent-mindedly chewed stationary will come. Hardworking students and administrative staff will be the victims of vicious mauling by daydreaming pens and pencils the world over, leaving lifelong scarring and moistness at one end.
Sagittarius
Mars is bright tonight.
Capricorn
This month, you discover a special talent. Every time you put your headphones in without looking, the ‘L’ and ‘R’ buds end up in the wrong ears. Your faultless ability to always get this wrong wins you several drinking bets, before this success triggers an existential crisis about what ‘getting it wrong’ really means.