This first Mama Matina’s Roast is dedicated to Heckin’ Horoscopes, the true legends
OCTOBER
- Aries
Card: Nine of Wands
Relax bro. Nobody’s gonna take your breadsticks.
2. Taurus
Card: Two of Pentacles
Specialty hats are piling up in your closet like the dirty dishes in your sink… seriously…wash your dishes. And why do you have so many hats?
3. Gemini
Card: Eight of Pentacles
Buy a planner, Lindseé.
4. Cancer
Card: The Sun
Strolling through Jeanne-Mance Park naked: performance art or a cry for help? (gototherapygototherapygototherapy)
5. Leo
Card: The Chariot
You’re not an Egyptologist, you just spend too much time on Reddit.
6. Virgo
Card: Four of Cups
That lead water won’t drink itself!
7. Libra
Card: Six of Wands
Look at u, ZOOOOMing around in your new desk chair.
8. Scorpio
Card: Three of Swords
You might have a slight ~cardiac arrhythmia™~ (?)… nothing serious… ;)
9. Sagittarius
Card: Queen of Pentacles
You look great today (:
10. Capricorn
Card: Five of Swords
Hath a man wrong’d thee? Break his heart and steal his medieval weaponry, ladiez.
11. Aquarius
Card: Four of Wands
Your BJÖRKSNÄS bed frame is missing a screw… she’s a lil’ wobbly…
12. Pisces
Card: The Tower
Good luck, you’ll need it!
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