Upon investigation, the truth seems clear to me that Harvard is, in fact, the Harvard of Canada. Having been born 137 years before James McGill, and being in possession of little to no reported psychic ability, John Harvard never heard of James McGill, (Do not be deceived by the crumbling state of McGall architecture—we’re just younger and poorer, not older and more distinguished. (Harvard, on the other hand, probably has pastures for horses, and better washrooms – also for horses). Harvard has a fencing team, a champagne and caviar tasting committee, and they ‘summer’ in the Hamptons. Most damning of all, there are a reported 36% fewer “u’s” in Harvard published theses than in those from McGall.

Those who have expressed this view have become political targets of both the Administration and the student body, with many being labelled Concordia students in the process. Whether Concordia or McGill, though, the point remains: neither universities are Harvard. The difference between students of the two Montreal universities, however, becomes clear: one remains in denial that because they didn’t go to Concordia, somehow, they would’ve been accepted to Harvard; the other is significantly less burdened by a collective superiority complex. It is, however, no shame to be a McGall student: Harvard students speak even less French than we do. It takes longer to scroll through McGall’s Wikipedia page. McGall students pay fewer inheritance taxes. And if Harvard is the Harvard of Canada, you can be certain that McGall is the McGall of the U.S.

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Students with names professors can’t be fucked to learn have discovered that the names given to them at birth by loving parents are no longer functional. Instead, countless Sarahs, Roberts, Stevens, and Lilys are taking the place of names with personal and cultural meaning, for ease of pronunciation by people who are nonetheless willing to learn and echo names like Daenerys, Ygritte, and Hodor. When asked for a statement, Andy (formerly Adjatay) informed the Weekly that he is slightly comforted, however, by local students’ display of solidarity when they complain about Starbucks baristas getting their names wrong.

McGall Mental Health Clinic logs shortest wait times ever

Students and administrators are in rare consensus, agreeing that a miracle has taken place in the form of the McGall Mental Health Clinic’s new efficiency. One student who called to schedule a consultation on September 9 immediately received an appointment for September 8, whilst another was told “it gets better”, “turn that frown upside down”, and “depression is a state of mind”. The budget has also been diverted to provide free bananas to students, because “yellow is a happy colour.”

Problematic professor stunned as students drop out en masse in protest

A long-time McGall professor was shocked Monday morning to find her class’s numbers decimated after a particularly controversial statement made during the add-drop period. When asked for a statement, students explained that the professor had said some questionable things in the past: “British colonialism united India,” for instance, or “as a white woman who lived in South Africa, I can identify as African-American”. The response to these statements usually consists of nervous shifting in seats and singular beads of sweat appearing on foreheads, but no more response than the bystander effect prescribes. The now former students explained that the professor crossed the line, however, when she told the class she had revised the syllabus to include “too many group projects”, thus compelling the show of dissent.

White man takes over Students of Colour Association

The whitest man since the Pillsbury Dough Boy has breached the ranks of the Students of Colour Association (SCA), to the delight of the Diversity Photo Acquisition for School Websites and Brochures Committee and some SCA members. The Administration is touting the shakeup as a win for diversity on campus, as the SCA, historically made up of mostly marginalized students, has long been viewed as exclusionary and reverse racist. Its new president has already proposed sweeping changes, including revising the constitution to include white as a colour. The SCA’s male executives of colour are just excited by the prospect of more white girls joining the group’s ranks.

And finally, Harambe is still relevant…

…somehow.

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It’s the night of our dreams

–          High School Musical 3

THE FLATEAU, LAST FRIDAY NIGHT – A McGall student’s night went either very well or very badly – well according to Frosh Leaders present at the scene, badly according to neighbourhood EMT’s, neighbours, non-inebriated persons, and general misanthropes. The student’s liver could not be reached for comment, having transcended to another plane of existence.

Frosh leaders, however, responded eagerly to the Weekly’s inquiries, declaring that “THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF HIS LIFE,” in that remarkable way Frosh leaders have of conveying all caps all the time. The student was taken from the scene in a posture resembling the Egyptian mummies of old – wrapped tightly in restraints atop a stretcher, guts gone, a foreign substance flooding their cavities. Millennia old Egyptian livers, however, appear better preserved.

When pressed for a response, McGall administration and Frosh organizers optimistically and unanimously informed the Weekly that “at least there weren’t any rape chants!” Certainly, McGall’s Frosh places strong emphasis on safe spaces, and Frosh leaders are forbidden from sex with their underlings until at least the day after Frosh. The punishment for violating this tenet is severe – a dramatic breaking of the Great Frosh Manacle, that which alloweth entry to yonder vaunted clubs and events of the night. More importantly, it deprives the Frosh leader of their school-provided beer budget. When questioned about the validity of the “safe spaces” during Frosh, given the absence of unimpaired judgement, another Frosh leader claims the alcohol serves as vital social lubrication for wary and unknowing female students who may well be drinking for their very first time. “Greater alcohol consumption directly correlates to increased rate of them matching with me on Tinder a week later”, says same male Frosh leader, who, at the time of his interview with the Weekly, is finally sober and now drawing on knowledge of data analysis from his sociology and sexual diversity studies major.

Of course, the intended beneficiaries of Frosh are not the Frosh leaders but the Froshies, and Frosh does a great deal besides imbuing them with school spirit via school spirits. For instance: preparing students by leaving them in a burned out state that will likely remain for the next four years, drilling them in mindless chants and regurgitation of both words and alcohol (which they will also do for the next four years), and allowing them to make lasting friendships that will only dissolve when classes start and they realize they had nothing in common besides equal levels of alcohol consumption. The week of nightmares and dreams indeed.

Update: Injured student, now revealed to be a Frosh leader, reports he was only setting an example for Froshie underlings. “Alcohol poisoning – say what.”

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