An Excerpt of Sex & Me
Truths I've never told lovers
& long-time hid below consciousness

___
sexually manipulated kid
orally pleasing an older sibling as a game
sexually abused teen
intox-dead / no motricity, still pulsing sensory
cared for by fingers inside my warmth
sexually reduced self
web exposing me naked
touching for the delight of strangers

Good Girl internalized sex would make her socially competent
- long before she was hit by concepts and understandings
& realized she'd been rolled deep into patriarchal shit.
then all this spectacle I had been playing unfolded around me /
still it had scarred my imagination

social omnipresence of their sex had got me changed
led me to think I wanted it
led me to think I was content of giving orgasms
& if not, led me to try proving myself wrong
it made me more than romanticize rape:
made my body & mind associate pleasure with male domination

whenever I want to feel satisfied masturbating
I find myself visualizing
[cismen objectifying ciswomen]
& I can't help it & I hate myself

___
& it scares me how deep in my head they are
but I'm not broken / not in need for psychotherapy:
in need for social disturbances

& nothing could ever define my being
especially not a taste of how the gender-cage transformed me
my asexuality rooted in that past and present,
it is so much more than that.
permits me not to coerce myself again
permits me to engage in relationships differently /
represents my wish to never be assumed as something else
challenges me into embracing my panromantic & queer self

my asexuality is a physical stance with much political sense
a state of empowerment for me in this fucked up world